In 1975, God devised a plan to reinvigorate all of humanity with Joy and Love. He called it smooth jazz. He knew that after the harshness of Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin and the Vietnam War, people were looking for salvation, and they wanted it as so [+]In 1975, God devised a plan to reinvigorate all of humanity with Joy and Love. He called it smooth jazz. He knew that after the harshness of Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin and the Vietnam War, people were looking for salvation, and they wanted it as soft as possible. “If I could only eliminate distortion from every tube amplifier,” God thought to himself, “people would learn to embrace the warm sound of a clean guitar tone. Maybe then they could learn to love again.” It was then that God impregnated the sole heiress of the Rockford Fosgate stereo empire. Prematurely, she gave birth to Rochester Fosgate. It was God’s intention that Rochester Fosgate become the smooth jazz guitar profit, bringing peace to the holy land through hammer-ons and tablature scripture. With his disciple, Kenny G, the two would travel the earth teaching and healing believers with their EBow. For a while, things were looking pretty good. God even kicked back and let grunge slip by. He didn’t even mind Dave Matthews, or even Big Head Todd and the Monsters. But God got a little cocky as a result of his new musical genre. He forgot that his arch-enemy Satan was determined to sway people to the dark side. With the advent of the internet, it was becoming easier for Satan to realize his goal. He acted quickly and ordered a tube screamer distortion petal from Musicians Friend and had it shipped to Phoenix, Arizona, where Rochester Fosgate was playing an in-studio performance at 98.5 LITE FM. Satan used to jam with the sound engineer at LITE, so it wasn’t difficult for him to get the distortion pedal looped into Rochester Fosgate’s guitar sound. While live on the air, Satan hit the distortion pedal and Rochester Fosgate’s guitar unleashed a wrath of low end chugga chugga that brought forth the rapture and lighting bolts of hair shot out from the heads of all the believers. Their sneakers turned to high tops, and their designer jeans turned to plain levi’s. The world was consumed with darkness and metal.
God may have invented the guitar, but Satan made it rock.
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